Life is tough

Gee life is tough! Does anybody else besides me think that life can sometimes just be too tough to handle – especially by yourself?

I am lucky. In my job I have lots of love people to help me feel better about myself. They encourage me to keep going and they point me towards the light at the end of the tunnel. When I talk about some of the tough stuff in my life to a certain group of people, I always walk away feeling like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and that everything is going to be OK.

I would like to encourage you this week to keep your eye on the people in your life. Just being prepared to listen is such an amazing thing one person can do for another. Being able to share the load with someone else always seems to halve the burden.

It is as simple as saying “Hello, how are you? I noticed you looked a little down today and not your cheery self! Is everything alright or are you just a million miles away thinking about things?”

However, it is not about finding out what is wrong with them or hearing someone’s life story, it is just about letting them know that you noticed them and you care.

Do to others as you would have them do to you. I like to know people care about me – don’t you? I am here to listen.

Alcohol

Well…we have come to that time of the year again where we are busy, busy, busy! I don’t know about you but I have quite a few gatherings and parties to go to over the next few weeks leading up to Christmas.

Usually by this time of the year people are starting to wind down after working so hard and often we find ourselves having a few of the liquid refreshments to relieve some stress.

First, let me make it quite clear that the bible does not say “Do not drink alcohol” but it does make it pretty clear that at no point in time should we drink so much that we are no longer of sober mind. Once our heads starts to get a little fuzzy after the first wine/beer (or two), it’s probably a good indication that we are starting to mentally feel the effects of the alcohol.

But drinking too much is not what this is about, even though drinking I believe to be a major cause of all domestic arguments which I am sure most people are not keen to be involved in over the holiday period. This is about the image we portray to our kids by our bouts of drinking.

Like that ad on TV, where the dad tells little Johny to go and get him another beer and then we see little Johny as a grown man saying the same thing to his son. Basically, monkey see, monkey do.

If you really do not want your children to be caught up in the drinking culture you can take some preventative steps now by setting a good example. Either avoid it all together, or make a point of only having one or two, then discuss these views and results of the night with them. Sometimes, Uncle Bob being plastered and stupid can be a great discussion with primary age children about the negative effects of consuming too much alcohol.

The best advice I personally have to give is that you have to live with the consequences of what your kids see you do now. And believe me, watching your child make mistakes that could harm them is not a rewarding experience.

Newsflash!

Newsflash! Karen Johns has just finished another year of study and she is pretty pleased with herself!

I don’t know about you, but whenever I have accomplished something I feel really good in myself about it and I just want to tell everyone else as well! I am actually just a big kid looking for affirmation all the time – how sad!

But it was this thought that got me thinking about how little I/we recognise and draw attention to our childrens’ accomplishments – like completing another year of school.

Every year our children start school a little smarter than they did the year before. We also know that by the end of the year they are going to be a whole lot smarter than they were at the beginning too. Isn’t that just fantastic? But I ask you – do you ever really sit down with your child and discuss it?

I don’t and I probably should have! I reflected tonight on how great it feels to finish college and how it feels to have my final exam out of the way - pretty confident that I have passed all my subjects. I took the opportunity to feel good in myself and I recognise that I am a lot more knowledgeable about God and the bible than I ever was before. That is a big deal for me.

Our kids have been at school for the whole year and I want to encourage you to take some time out with your child and just reflect together on all that they have achieved this year. They have completed another year of school and they know so much more than they did before. Encourage them to be pleased at what they have done and then encourage them to look forward to the next year and all that they will learn and understand then too!

God tells us to train up our kids in the way they should go and we need to teach our kids to appreciate learning and be excited about who they are and their future.

Be gentle with one another

"Be gentle with one another" 2 Timothy 2:24

I just want to say I love my job. I get to talk to people all the time about a lot of different issues! However, it is a tricky business talking to people, especially adults all the time but we are so sensitive to what other people say – especially when it is not so flattering for us personally.

How many times has someone said something thoughtless, hurtful or cutting to you and you have realised that they didn’t seem to have a clue that it affected you all? I continually find it amazing that adults don’t know how to communicate effectively with one another – me included.

I am continually misunderstood and often say things with a tone that I don’t really mean. My own children are probably the worst at this. Not only can they sometimes be defensive if I ask them a question like “what have you been up to?”, but when they talk I don’t understand a lot of the stuff they say. Often I find all my teenagers and twenty year old sniggering at something I said or at something they said that I didn’t understand. Obviously…I am old!!!

But the serious side of this is that sometimes we tell our kids stuff and expect them to understand our adult language when the fact is, often they don’t. A great tip is not to necessarily stop using bigger words, but maybe to explain it again in a different way.

Keep it simple and be gentle with them if they don’t get it the first time. The benefits will have a ripple effect into other areas of their lives.

I struggle with discipline

I struggle constantly as a parent to find the right balance when disciplining my children – meaning that I don’t believe I ever get it right! But, the one thing I always try to do is finish the discipline. It’s important that if you tell a child they are grounded for one week that you follow through, but that’s not what I mean.

When children get into trouble (and this applies to adults as well) they can often feel like they are backed into a corner and they become defensive. My youngest son doesn’t so much answer us back, but he has the ‘whatever, I don’t care attitude’ to the discipline, and that really irks me. I would prefer to see my son react at least a little with ‘Oh no’ than nothing at all. I don’t know about you but I have a tendency to keep increasing the punishment if I don’t think what I have said has had an impact and that is not right either.

So what do I mean by I finish my discipline? I send my children to their room and I very calmly go in there after a few minutes and sit down and have a talk with them. If I can see an impact (tears) I will usually ask first what is wrong and is everything OK? It is important to make sure there isn’t something else going on that you don’t know about first. Then I will explain what they did wrong, why I had to give them a consequence and discipline them, what it will mean for them, how it affects others, and include attributes of respect and kindness towards others. I also give them something to look forward to at the end of the discipline so they can see a light at the end of the tunnel and I always include lots of hugs and ‘you know I love you’.

Being a child, youth or teenager is tough. The hardest thing for parents is to remember they are going to stuff up and it is our job to find the best way to teach them so they understand it in their language. Telling and yelling never works! Always finish your discipline and do it calmly and with love. Good Luck!

Facebook junkie

Well – I have gone and done it. I have joined Facebook and now I am a daily checker!!! I love the idea of being able to keep up to date with my children and the rest of my family. It is just great and I even found some of my old friends and distant relatives as well. It has certainly been a blessing. I just love jumping on and seeing what everyone has been up to. But like everything – too much of a good thing is not necessarily good for you.

My children are older now so the impact of me spending a little time on the computer is not really of that much concern – besides I actually must admit that I only allow myself a quick check and then I am off it again just so I don’t get caught up in it!

But I wonder about people who do get caught up in the use of all this modern technology. Unfortunately, the price we pay for this convenience is usually time taken away from our families. How many of us are texting or emailing our friends and ignoring our family members who are close by?

As I am personally so involved in the use of all modern technology and I myself am at fault of over utilising these gadgets, I figured some of you might be too. If that is the case, this is a friendly reminder to you about the only treasures in your life – your kids. So shut down and turn off what ever it is you play with and enjoy your time with them instead. I am going to!

Maybe I will have another quick check after they are all in bed...

Surviving term four

Well… we are into our final term for the year with only 10 weeks to go until we break for the Christmas holiday celebrations. Doesn’t it go by quickly? As a teacher, I always found this time of year very tiring. Three quarters of the year has flown by and, I don’t know about you, but even now I tend to drag myself through the rest year. Some points I want to make…

• Say no to others! You don’t need to do everything. Share the work around to other people. The more you do, the less others do.
• The better you feel about yourself by being a super worker, the less effective you may become in your role as a parent! Leave work on time or early and spend time with your family.
• Train up others and give them the chance to feel good about themselves too.
• Don’t take on anymore work than you have to! The world is not going to collapse and cease to exist if it’s not done now. Most ‘urgent’ tasks can wait until tomorrow.

Kids get very tired around this time of year too. They have been working very hard during their school year and as learning is mentally draining they can get tired and cranky.

• Give them a chance to relax and have fun.
• Exercise is a healthy way to relieve stress for you and your children – so do something together.
• Make sure they get enough rest and nutrition. Take away is not a continuously healthy option, however easy and convenient it is. I know :)

Your children will not remember all the Christmas presents you worked extra hours to pay for, but they will remember the fun and love you all had together. It is good to help others, but not at the expense of your own sanity and family.

Peer pressure

As a primary school teacher I often marveled at how trends and fashion would make their way down through the grades in primary school.

When wearing ankle socks was all the fashion it typically started with the grade 7s. Next the grade 6s would be wearing ankle socks and so on it would go right down to grade 1. To see these little 5 and 6 year olds wearing ankle socks was very cute at first, but once I started to think about it I realised how much the younger children are influenced by the older kids.

When the fashion changed and the high knee socks once again became the fashion, I noticed how quickly the trend took to infiltrate the little ones and surprisingly it was remarkably fast.

It is actually quite frightening to see how quickly the younger kids follow in the footsteps of the older students in the school – and not just in fashion.

It is normal for kids to want to fit in, but have you ever really stopped to think about who is influencing your child and their beliefs?

It is good to be mindful not only of what they are watching on TV and listening to in the lyrics of songs, but who they are hanging around; the kids they think are cool.

It is important that we continually spend time with our kids, talking, messing around, encouraging, praising, being affectionate and generally showing an interest in their daily lives.

Life crisis (continued)

Last week we discussed how children have to deal with stress just like adults. Personally, I believe that one of the biggest stresses that a child may have to deal with is marriage breakdown. When the parents’ relationship is collapsing – the unnoticed recipients are often the kids.

I was a single parent for 11 years and I found that to be the toughest and most challenging role I have ever had to face. The implications and consequences for the children of a collapsed relationship is just too in depth to cover now. But… what you can do if you find yourself in this situation is to get yourself some support from others who know what you are going through.

A Single Parent support group is meeting this Friday 15 August at the Chermside Library at 7pm (bring your kids). It is only just starting up again and this Friday they will be having an open question and answer night, where they will look at issues that single parents want to discuss and need help with. This is a great way to get together with like-minded people and to show your children how adults reach out for help when they need it.

On Wednesday 20 August at the Beenleigh Sports Club, 28A Alamein Street, Beenleigh at 6:45pm there is a CHILD SUPPORT AND FAMILY LAW PROBLEMS night which is FREE. At this meeting they will be discussing legal, financial, problems re-marrieds may be having, access and grand-parent access rights as well.

Life crisis

Like adults, children have to deal with stresses. Adults may think their child’s stresses and issues are not as important as the serious ones that adults regularly face in their day to day lives – but they’re wrong. Children and teenagers experience stress just as adults do, only at their own level.

Having problems with their friends at school is just as stressful for children as it is for adults who are also experiencing conflict with friends or family. In fact, too often kids are have to deal with other adult stresses as well, such as family breakdown, separation of parents, a death of a family member or friend, verbal, physical, psychological and sexual abuse.

So, rhetorically speaking – how do you deal with your stress? Do you
• have a drink after work to relax?
• download and share your day with your spouse or friend?
• exercise, pray and meditate?

So then
• How do your kids deal with their stress?
• What strategies do you as a parent have in place to help them deal with the stresses of each day?
• Are you role modeling the right way?
• Are you taking the time to talk and find out about their day and letting the kids download?
• Are they getting enough exercise, rest, affection and nutrition?

Let’s make sure that as parents we are continually aware that our children experience tough times too. We don’t want our kids to turn into teenagers who turn to drugs and alcohol to deaden their pain. We need to start now teaching our kids appropriate and healthy ways to deal with life.